Photo by Kimson Doan on Unsplash
Today I found this on my husband’s Facebook:
Click the thumbnail to read the whole thing.
Well, I am in between of the millennial and the Gen X. I am not the one who resigns immediately and get stuck in a job that I don’t like until I make a decision to move on.
But I have also worked with millennials who also can’t take the effort to do work because it is boring. Let’s not talk about them, let’s talk about me. Every article I post up on the internet is going to be read one day, and every time I blog, I think if I can handle the repercussions. Well, I think I can as this has happened long ago, and I have managed to reconcile with my ex-colleagues.
IGY
Let’s talk about my second job, IGY. My first job after graduation was the job which I could not expand my skills and I just left within ten months on the job.
In my second job, I was that employee that my colleagues hated because I talked more instead of doing work. My work was worse than any fresh grad that came in. Sometimes I don’t tell people about my past working experience because it is embarrassing especially when they complained about ‘that millenial’ in their office. When someone talks about that, I felt a stab because I was exactly like that.
If I do tell people of my working experience, they thought that I am the star employee of any company but when I do tell my past that my employers in IGY only confirmed me after nine months, they find it hard to believe. People who is doing mediocre work can get confirmed between three to six months, but mine is nine months. That’s my past, people.
I remembered when I got confirmed after nine months, my managers asked me if I got anything to say/feedback, I mentioned something about work which I can’t really remember and I was scolded by my Senior Art Director. I really told myself that it was my fault and I should work harder and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But guess what, I couldn’t stop crying for almost one whole year after the time my managers confirmed me. I had to tell people that I didn’t want to talk about it because talking about will get me sobbing uncontrollably even though I tried to not cry. It was only years later I told my Senior Art Director how much I tried not to cry and shared that I could not stop crying after the confirmation.
By Joe Najib’s definition, I am definitely not tough enough but I continued that job for another three years before another incident happened to me that I resigned from IGY after that, and it took a lot more forgiveness and reconciliation to even talk with them again at friend level.
IGY changed direction when I was there in my fourth year and I had to deal with the changes which came with it and I got slightly complacent. But I wished in my complacency, I wished my managers told me earlier instead of picking on me when all the projects went downhill by bringing up my past. I know some of you might disagree with me, but sometimes moving on to a new place means I can start a new slate, and whatever mistakes I make, it be will be taken in current context rather than my past. True that we have bad habits that we still repeat from the past but if it is current, take it from there.
While I knew that I am not a good worker, but what made it worse was the toxicity and also my passive aggressiveness of not wanting to be in a company that was becoming more like a traditional ad agency. Unnecessary late nights were becoming a norm and while I did not use my free time to learn code, my managers and colleagues decided to punished me.
Here are the few things they did:
- I am not a good coder and would never be. I have tried so much to understand and code but I still don’t understand it until today. Unfortunately that is viewed as lazy and not taking the effort. To punish me, they decided not to help me whenever I am struggling to code and everyone will wait until 4am and then they decide that they have to help me because everyone wants to go home to sleep. Then 5am we are ‘done’ for the day.
- For every slight problem, I had to meet my colleagues in every few days in one week. Every time the meeting ends, I will end up crying and not able to leave the meeting room to do work.
- I was threatened that if I don’t buck up, my senior title will be stripped from me. Well, titles don’t mean much to me anyway. Read my profile on INFP.
- Sexist statements were thrown at me. I was told that if I don’t buck up, I should get married and have babies.
- For every complain about me being inefficient, my colleagues don’t hesitate to tell the upper management behind my back but just a few metres in front of me. I mean you talk behind my back without me knowing it is still ok as I don’t know about it but bitching in front of the management within an earshot? That’s bitchy.
After that, I just resigned because I realised that coding is not what I want to do in life and also I sucked at it. Well, after sharing here, maybe I am considered a softie after all the things that they did instead of staying on, swallowing my pride and just be a coder. Was I being too weak when I resigned from IGY after four years of service there? Was I wrong to even decide that code is not for me?
And guess what, after leaving for IGY for BEEK company, BEEK merged with IGY v2 and I was back meeting the same people. The same people who did all those above. Managed to last for another six months after I realised that the environment did not change since I went to BEEK. The change only happened once they kicked out one of the partners. I knew that from long ago that the business partner was toxic but how can I say anything at that point when I am not in grip of my emotions? When I am not in grip of my emotions, I am equally as toxic too.
Conclusion in 2017
It’s been 3 years since I left IGY v2 and emotionally I am a lot better these days. As a kid growing up, my parents did not let me express myself and I could not acknowledge the pain (whether personal or in work) as people are mostly like, “Just move on and don’t be sensitive.”
I have also learnt from psychology articles online and also talking through with my husband that I have to acknowledge the pain even if it embarrassing. A hurt is a hurt and no one can tell you that what you are feeling is wrong or even telling you to understand the other person’s point of view (though that is legit). If they are continually doing that to you, they are gaslighting you. Create that boundary with the person you are talking to.
The most important thing here is picking yourself up after acknowledging your hurt. It will help the process of forgiving in small ways.
Oh, and the five points I mentioned above? Since I am in a reflective mode and it has seven years since that incident happened, let me just say how things are today:
- I am still not a good coder. Sorry, I tried to use google to save me, but it did not work. You can blame it as a mental block or lazy, but I have tried code for ten years and still a dummy in code.
- I have learnt to acknowledge my pain. At that point, I did not acknowledge the pain and anger I went through. I would tell my younger self seven years ago that it is alright to feel the pain and anger. Just resign and move on anyway regardless of what people talk about the millennials and younger generation. It doesn’t mean that they feel the pain means you have to experience the same way they do. If you do, you have taken up their projection upon yourself.
- Be proud of being a INFP. While you are not a meticulous worker, but you work your best when you find the meaning to do things. Not everyone will be spurred the same way like you do, but just be you.
- Now people are voicing up about sexual harassment especially the #metoo. Oh, about being married and having kids, well I am married and no kids. Well, my masters is taking up my time so kids can wait.
- That one… I am grateful I can avoid this for awhile but it will come back once I go back to full time employment.
And the strawberry millennial shall sign off and back to her research.