Photo by Grace Madeline on Unsplash
This is not a post about dissociative identity disorder. This is a post about me, and my struggles to be who I am.
Admittedly it is tough being myself. Being myself means:
- Being a semi-intellectual. Sometimes I try to tone that down when I am with others but when someone takes things out of context and when I give references, then I am seen as an intellectual. Then I become #friendless.
- Being inclined towards arts. I used to be overly passionate over art and talk a lot about it but I realised that not everyone is not into it for various reasons. I have toned down on talking about art. I have decided to talk about scenarios around my art such as current issues of the country which it is a conversation that people can join in. However when people do ask me about my background, the art side of myself comes out. Then I become #friendless.
- Loves reading. Most people I hang out this day don’t really read. Then when they say things which are baseless and when I back it up with articles, then I become #friendless.
Sometimes I don’t know if I should be myself because being myself means I become #friendless. While I have received feedback that I should be tactful and be more aware of my surroundings and body language, but sometimes I struggle to tell people who am I even on the surface level. I have also learn not to talk too much. There is a limit a person can take a chatter and I have to be aware of that.
If you have read motivational articles and books, the writers will tell you to be yourself and not be part of the crowd. It’s not easy being different and people will not get what you are doing. Some of them have even lost friends because they became themselves.
If you notice why sometimes I am guarded, that is because sometimes I don’t want to be pushed away because I am semi-intellectual and arts inclined person. Sometimes I do have my bimbo side of me. Sometimes I just want to go out yam cha with you and have heart to heart talks without even going into that semi-intellectual side.
God, while You have your plans for me, sometimes I really wonder if I am going overboard for being myself. Why some of the decisions I made (though it is not wrong) brings me to an isolating path?