Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Note:
This post was written elsewhere on 1 June 2017, when I was slowly healing from the trauma of my mother in-law’s abuse. I can’t say that I am healed 100% but I am slowly moving there.
I have also changed my husband’s sisters name to the characters of Hai Kinn Xin Lor, as some of the characters in the film fit their characteristic in real life.
I am posting up here because I have moved on to tell people of what I have went through. It’s still a long way to positivity and acceptance. The only one closure that I wish to have is not having my younger sister in-law minimising everything and for her to know that she is not the big sister to everyone to just dish out unsolicited advices.
—-
Today my husband sent an article about loving a trauma survivor. I am thankful that God brought my husband and I through it, especially for myself. The whole wedding planning was traumatic and though my brilliant photographers managed to capture happy smiley photos, but I was hurt, angry and disappointed with the world. I thought it was just me being bad and I could have been more humble or whatever if “I should have.” Maybe my mother in-law is reacting like that because I did not handle her properly etc. I was experiencing my mother in-law wounds. The wounds that my mother in-law had to go through facing my emotionally abusive father in-law and sacrificing her financial security to help her children go to university. And because she could not get support from her own husband, she got enmeshed with my husband.
I denied that I was traumatised by my mother in-law and this was a hard topic to talk about because Vivian, my younger sister in-law always said that my mother in-law was doing things because she cared but deep in me I knew it wasn’t.
Also, people often refer trauma as a someone who is a victim of something. Well, I was a victim of my mother in-law’s wounds that she was sabotaging my relationship with my husband. There were so many times when I greeted her, “Hi aunty”, she ignored me and called my husband to do work for her.
Once I finally acknowledge that I was going through trauma, I was set free. As much as people may said that daughter in-law and mother in-law relationship is more of a problem rather than trauma. Acknowledging what’s real and painful despite being minimised by some people was a release for me.
While I have acknowledge it, but I do wish Hoon and Vivian (my sisters in-law) are more sensitive and not jump into conclusions and that hurts. I have moved on from one obstacle, and now this is another part to handle. One thing at a time.
Below is the email which I have sent to my husband on 2 May as part of my cathartic experience.
—-
Dear husband,
The TED talk by Debra Jarvis is good and it helps to speed up the dying and resurrection process. I know you did help me to go through the hard parts but you’re right, she worded her talk really well. I know you always tell me last time that your parents are not doing it anymore so let’s move on but it was hard putting that side to death and today I understand why.
Here are a few things why it was hard to put it to death:
1. The thing that I went through with your mother was traumatic though your sisters will try to think otherwise.
I knew last time you mentioned that I do have symptoms of ptsd but I didn’t quite believe you.
I denied the trauma and thought that I was the bad one especially when the Ng siblings had their defense mechanisms on. I am not saying that what I did was right (and we have discussed many times). Three of you were doing the “understand your mother” rather than helping me deal with trauma. While yes, I do need to understand your mum, but it wasn’t the right way to help me get over it and three of you are not my counsellors.
I also denied the trauma because I am not a so-and-so survivor. I am only the daughter in-law. Common to have conflicts and many in-laws have the same problem. Maybe your sisters view it as relationship problems instead of trauma. It is quite embarrassing to even say that I am traumatised by your mother in-law.
2. Hoon and Vivian are insensitive
This is based on what I have attached below. So many times I kept complaining about your sisters (especially Vivian) but I couldn’t pinpoint it properly. Comparing me to Cody and asking why he is ok but why I am not. Or dismissing what I feel. Or expecting me to move on when I feel so much of injustice. It didn’t help that Vivian minimised it as “She is doing because they and treating you as part of the family.” A trauma is a trauma, whether is family or not. Also, I am an outsider, that means I came in as a competition rather than family.
While we both understand that sometimes your sisters don’t think through stuff deeply (more on Vivian), but that affects me, especially when I get compared to Cody and expects me to forgive fast and be as chill like Cody. Like the article that I attached, it is not helpful, hurtful and shaming because they can deal with your mum but I can’t and especially our wedding was almost two years ago. That’s why I don’t want to meet your sisters when they come back to see you. They will give advice without considering that I still need to process my emotions and my trauma.
Moving ahead
Now after knowing what to let it die, here are my steps moving ahead asides for forgiveness:
1. Talking to my friends or counsellors
As I mentioned many times to you, I have friends who know that if I am angry or gone psychotic, they will check with me (or in your word, prod).
Whether I should tell your sisters that they are insensitive and I don’t trust them is another issue altogether. I may not tell them at all but just thinking aloud.
If i have money i will meet a counsellor.
Minimal engagement until I am “strong” enough to handle them
Sometimes we have to fight, but sometimes we just have to retreat to heal. I am not ready to fight the females in your house. I know that i am not open enough to listen but I want to take this time to heal. It is also for me to go through the process of forgiveness in ways that I can deal with. While you did mention that it’s good to listen to different people, but I haven’t got the wisdom and strength to deal with this.
I am not strong enough to deal with your family.
Three things that to identify myself (for reclaiming my experience):
- I am a researcher of arts. I help to give contexts to the artworks you see.
- I am a design freelancer.
- I am an idealist
Here’s the Ted Talk by Debra Jarvis:
[ted id=2120 lang=en]