Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash. Words from DC Talk lyrics.
If you ask me if I am sincerely and honestly wanting to forgive, I can give you a few answers. What type of answer do you want?
The Christian answer
I have forgiven them as Christ have forgiven me and I am living in total freedom. Oh, we are working towards reconciliation now. *gives fake smile*
The honest answer
I tried to forgive but it doesn’t seem to be working. I also don’t want to meet them again. I wish to extract myself from the situation and run away. Oh, please stop giving me the Christian answers and make me even feel even worse about myself. I have read that forgiveness is a gradual progress. While yes, we have to let go, but only God can heal me and help me to forgive, not by my own strength.
**
You know some people who ask me to reconcile fast, forgive fast and to move on fast, sometimes I am wondering why are they doing that? Is it because I am such a bitch to them or do they genuinely want me to get better? Or when they say, “Christians should do reconcile because we have to be good testimonies to others”, what should I make of it?
Sometimes I hear the tone of the voices and try to look at the body language, but if those two are absent, then there are few possibilities of reconciliation.
- They are genuine over reconciliation. They (and I) are willing to come to the middle point to forgive.
- They want reconciliation in their way. They will force you to pray together with them to end the conversation. I am sorry, you can do that to children under 12 but I am older. While I may be younger than you, but it is not for you to look down on me or force me to do things your way especially I am the lowest of your hierarchy.
- They are hiding behind the religious thing. To end the unpleasantness, let’s do it in the name of religion and saying that Christians have to forgive we are viewed as un-Christian.
**
(updated 5 March 2018)
God, this is hard. After going for the depression and mental disorder seminar, I realised that I am going through some PTSD and I have not found out from my inner child I have suppressed.
I am so scared to find out what I have suppressed as a child.